A Sensitive Rebel.

They say that your parents know you best. I humbly beg to differ. While there are some truths to it, ultimately, no one can truly fathom the depths of your existence like you can. Throughout life, we continuously discover new facets of ourselves, evolving beings in an ever-expanding journey.

As a young adult, I often heard that I am emotional, sensitive and rebellious.

I must admit, I once felt sensitive, hearing being said that I was sensitive and emotional. Imagine that ! It was because I had associated a weak connotation with those two traits, a belief reinforced by the corporate environment which stigmatise emotional expressions as signs of weakness.

I recall, back in year 2018, a year after I had completed my Yoga Teacher’s Training; I had decided to create a public instagram profile to start documenting my journey as a yoga teacher.

At that time, I was already volunteering teaching the blind yoga at the centre for blind people and in a boutique gym in the next township, whilst working as a corporate professional.

My first post was a photo of me in Gomukhasana (Cow Face Pose) taken by one of my yoga trainers, during our last day of training and it read : 

“About 15 moons ago, I had finally received my Yoga Teacher’s Certification. On our graduation day, each of us had to give a little speech upon receiving our scrolls from our two yoginis. When my turn came, I just sat there in Vajrasana (Diamond Pose) in between the two of them (facing the rest of the graduates), with my lips heavy and tight. I did not know where to start. I remember my eyes started to swell and my face felt warm as my lips trembled when I tried to utter my first word. It was the moment that I had been waiting for, the moment that I had pined for, I did not even think it would be a reality. That moment triggered a lot of emotions that I thought I had dispelled from my life, (pivotal) points that reeled back into memories which had ceased to exist; well so I thought. When I had finally caught my breath, I caught my pace. I felt a sense of profound gratitude and blessings, from the divine and also importantly from those whom matter to me. It was a powerful moment of gratitude and letting go.”

Reading back, it was such a beautiful moment captured written. However, I had archived the post, the second I posted it. 

I had feared vulnerability. I was afraid as being seen emotional and sensitive which ultimately seen as weak especially that I was working in a corporate environment. I let fear, clouded my voice, expression, true-self.

Growing up, there were times I felt torn between three polarities: the expectations and viewpoints of my parents, which pulled me in opposing directions from the East and West. And there I was, in between, gravitating towards North- my Northern Star.

My parents, approach my aspirations from contrasting perspectives. While this dynamic interplay of support and differing insights is enriching, it once left me feeling fragmented, between their contrasting viewpoints, and mine.You see, I grew up in a heavily overprotected environment, my self-identity and self-worth became intricately tied to my parents’ values and approval. Inadvertently, it created a sense of inner conflict as I seek to carve my own path. So therefore, I am a rebel as I sought to carve my own path (female Sid Vicious, in their eyes, maybe ?).

You see, it was not until years ago when I dove deep into rediscovering who I am in pursuit of my happiness and fulfilment, that I had came upon this realisation.

The moment I started to fully embrace my self-expression authentically without shame and guilt, the magick begun to unfold itself. It was then that I began to understand the significance of these traits of mine.

Contrary to what we were being taught, I learnt that my sensitivity, my tenderness is my greatest strength, as it leads me towards a greater emotional intelligence. It is my compass, guiding me towards experiences and connections that align with my values & passion. 

Being emotional allows me to feel deeply, empathize with others, and connect on a level that many overlook. Because of my emotionality and sensitivity, I have compassion.

My rebellion, on the other hand, is not about defiance for the sake of rebellion itself. What was once used to be a subconscious act (as a young adult); my persistent ways of leaning towards the North, I now recognise and honour that within those act is my inner voice pursuing my own path of happiness and fulfilment- my Northern Star.

When you catch yourself doubting your own unique traits, questioning their validity and worth, remember this: we’ve been taught there is a specific way we should feel, think, and be. However, those very qualities that make you different are your greatest strengths.

Within those traits, are powerful messages waiting to be unfolded.

Against the grain or challenge the status quo as some might see it as. But within that is a truth that many fail to see; that is, each one of us has our own truth; a unique story and path to tread on towards our shining Northern Star !

A story that carves your own happiness and fulfilment, regardless how our closest and dearest might think it should look like, even out of their best loving intentions. Most importantly it is not as generic as how the society has had made us believe it to be.

There is no specific right or wrong way to how your story should begin, or end. And there is definitely no one right way how it should look like in between.

Most importantly, there is no generic way to how you are supposed to be like !

So call me a sensitive rebel who is emotional, if you like. It does not bother me the same way at all ! 

My traits, are my super powers !

And this sensitive rebel has been crafting her own story of happiness and fulfilment, a journey in which her parents have finally come to understand and embrace her unique path.

p/s: Dad, I got it (emotional) from mom. Mom, I got it (rebel) from dad. Can’t really blame anyone, can we, now…? cheeky smiles 

Love, Evolve, Transcend

xx,

miza